I just want you to know that I think you are one of the bravest people I know. I KNOW you have been through a lot in the past year, and I know you may feel alone sometimes. But just know you are a beautiful, awesome, brave child of GOD and you are loved and appreciated. Praying for you.
i never EVER thought i would lose her. for some reason i believed she was invincible. like nothing could ever happen to her. i wish that were true. this is so hard for me because all this happened so fast, and right when i was getting close to God.
im trying so hard not to blame Him or be mad at Him for this happening but its hard, ya know. to pray and praise and press in and be obedient like i was supposed to and still have her taken away from me. and then to see other people who did all the same things i did, get their healing here on earth and still have their life or have their loved one. its just…not fair. and i dont understand it and i dont think i ever will.
they said she was so peaceful when she went, which is a good thing. i know Heaven is the ultimate healing, but now i dont have her anymore. i cant hear her make fun of my grandpa, or cook at thanksgiving. or Christmas. no more super sweet lipton tea. or hot dogs and noodles with applesauce.
I DONT GET IT. why her? why now? i thought the enemy couldnt touch what God has His hand on. yeah i know, it was probably “her time”. but i wasnt ready.
last night was the first time i cried about that. and today was the first time i almost crashed the van from almost crying about that.
let’s not do that again. crying is a no-no. i need to build up my sensitvity level or something.
but its hard cause i allow things to get to me.
there are SO many thoughts running through my head right this moment. people. conversations. places. food. sleep. love. hate. hope. fear. desire. want. need. longing. sadness. frustration. confusion. determination. laziness. SO MUCH in this thing i call my mind.
its been a draining past couple days. no need to elaborate, just take my word for it. all i can say now is…well…ill use a simple illustration.
when i was younger, i used to always watch my grandpa put puzzles together. he still does it to this day, and he is very good at it if i do say so myself. me, being the little squirt that i was, would always take pieces off the table when he would leave the room and try to put them in places they dont belong. and he would come back and gladly place them in their designated spot. and eventually, he would put all of them where they belonged and the puzzle would be complete.
now, why i didnt let him do it by himself and not try to help him? cause im human and i wanted to do it all by myself with no help. but that wasnt happening.
i used this illustration to say this:
i am done with sneaking puzzle pieces of my life into place thinking God doesnt see or thinking He wont put them back where they belong. from now on, im just gonna keep my grimey little hands off the puzzle and let the Master finish my puzzle for me. :)
well i was gonna sit here and blog for a little bit but now i dont really feel up to it anymore. my fingers are tired from typing. and i want to write and express myself, BUT im not sure if i want the entire world wide web knowing the ins and outs of my life just yet. :)
well, im sittin here, bored. well, gina is keeping me entertained. so is kai, haha. but i figured i hadnt blogged in a while, so what the heck.
ive done some stuff in my life. some im proud of, some im not. but i dont regret any of it; i think it all helped make me who i am today. it helped shape me, and mold me, it built character. thanks to GOD and the encouraging and loving people in my life, ive become a better person. ive stopped living in the world and experiencing things of the world. is it hard? YES. do i get tempted? YOU BET. but
greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!
i believe that with all my heart! and thats why ive made it to where i am today. im still not where i want to be in GOD but i know He will help me get there. He has done some amazing things for me in my life and i have seen Him do some amazing things in other peoples lives. i cant wait for GOD to reveal His plan for my life and the calling He has on my life, cause i know its gonna be amazing! i want more of GOD and i want a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. i want to know Him, truly know Him. and know His Word.
there was a man that would fall into a deep depression at the THOUGHT-
of grieving the work of the Holy Spirit in his life! his prayer was
bend me, bend me o GOD!
as a sign of total submission to the will of GOD.
i want that; not necessarily the depression. but i want that hunger and passion and desire for GOD to move in my life and to use me to do His work.
i also want the man of GOD that He has destined to be in my life. i believe that GOD ordains people to be together, and i want GOD’s perfect mate for me.
ive dealt w/ some good guys and some crappy ones. but i am going to wait for GOD and His timing. i am going to wait for His perfect mate for me because i know i deserve the BEST. and i want the best GOD has for me.
i am currently applying to The Forerunner School of Ministry in Tussville Alabama. it is strictly a ministry school that teaches, instructs, and equips students to be in full time ministry. whether is youth, childrens, pastoral, media, or music. i am really excited about applying here and i dont know if its where GOD wants me or not. but yall be in prayer with me about that!
so i just wanted to blog and let y’all know that i am uber excited for the Warcry Conference that’s coming up this weekend. !!!!!!! i didnt go last year, but i am this year and im dancing and i am happeh ! AND Through the Veil is doing praise and worship! HOLLA. i looovvveee them. they are so talented and blessed.
i just wanna go there. and jump. and shout. and twirl my arms. and sing, or pretend to. and have a supahh time in the Lordddd.
thank you for showing me what a real JERK OFF is. thank you for being my “friend” all through high school. then lying to me and saying that you liked me. and cared about me. and wanted to be with me. and told me we would date. so i hurt someone elses feelings for YOU. then playing with my emotions. then using me. then pulling me on and STILL leading me to think we had potential when we never did. then ignoring me on twitter and acting like we never met before even though we very well did. then ignoring me at the mall, and having your cousin and brother join in on your RUDENESS. then ignoring me again when you saw me tonight. and giving me a death stare. then not moving out of the freakin way so i can get past you on the sidewalk. THANK YOU SO MUCH. you are a complete idiot. i cant hate you cause im not supposed to, BUT i do not like you at all. you are rude. inconsiderate. heartless. childish. idiotic. if i never see you again, i will be content. i hope you can one day grow up and stop being so immature. and get out of your high school ways. its not cute. its quite ugly. thank you for helping me realize what i happily missed out on. :)
So tonight I went to the memorial service for Mrs. Debbie Lelis Grice. She went to be with her Father in Heaven on July 29, 2011 after a 4 1/2 year fight with brain cancer.
Though I didn’t know Debbie personally, I had only seen her at my church, her and her faith and testimony has touched my life in a way she will never know. Debbie was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2007 and she was the true definition of a fighter. Though her body was sick, Debbie never showed it. She was always smiling, I don’t remember EVER seeing her NOT smiling. She was at church in the front row every single Sunday. She would walk across the floor waving her arms in the air rejoicing and just praising God, despite her reality. Cancer could not beat her, and it didn’t. Even though we didn’t get to see her healed here on earth, Debbie has it 100 times better. She is in Heaven with her Maker, dancing before Him and praising Him like she always did. Debbie, thank you.
Debbie Grice instilled such a faith as her own in her sons, Josh and Caleb. And I thank her for that. I respect her and honor her for the woman of God she was. She had the strongest faith of anyone I have ever seen. Her husband, Al Grice, is the mold of a true man of God and Godly husband. No matter what Debbie went through, Al was there by her side. Taking care of her, loving her, nurturing her, and just being the support and man of God she needed. Al, thank you.
Josh and Caleb demonstrate the same faith that their mother did. Throughout their mom’s fight with cancer, they didn’t miss church, they didn’t curse God. They understood that she is in a much better place, cancer free, pain free, no hurt, struggle, HEALED! They always held their head high, and knew that God would not fail them and they put their faith and trust in Him. They were and still are an amazing example to me of how to really trust God with what means the most to you and how to really put your faith in God. Josh and Caleb, thank you.
Debbie Lelis Grice’s memorial service was beautiful, seeing all her family and friends gathered together to celebrate her life. She is a beautiful woman and she will be missed dearly. I just pray that as we remember Debbie and her life and legacy, that I will be able to possess the traits she did. Her unshakable, unyielding, uncompromising faith in God that shined through her throughout her life, and that will live on in her husband Al and her sons, Joshua and Caleb.
“‘For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed’, says the Lord who has compassion on you.” -Isaiah 54:10
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." -2 Timothy 4:7
I’m thinking about deactivating my facebook and twitter and getting off of tumblr and my social networks for a while. And just staying away from technology period for a while unless its worship music I’m listening to. Too many things have my attention and focus right now and I just need to get my focus back, asap. God wants full control of my life and my full and complete attention and I think its time I give Him that. :)
thinking about this for some reason makes my hands hurt, like it sends pains thru them. so i dont like thinking about it. thought things were okay but now theyre changing but i cant blame them for changing. my arm hurts and is super sore. i have to get up early tomorrow. but none of this measures up to the fact that my best friend just lost his mom. and i have no idea like how to be there for him. no one wants to here “shes in a better place” they just want their mom back! but im gonna try. and im gonna try to work everything out, with Gods help. He will make it all better. <3
so im sitting here watching sunday best with my mom, sister, and gabe. and i thought my twitter account was hacked or something but i think it was just an old account. lol oops. donnie mcclurkin’s voice really bothers me, in his songs and when he talks in general. i feel like when he sings it sounds like hes gargling water, lol. this girl thats singing is trying too hard to sing this song. yeah donnie, you right, she lost control in that song. lol smh.
I had a terrrriffic day today, for the most part. Just hung out with dad for the beginning part then went with my antelope Chrissy and my sister and my long lost hispanic friend Gabe to the mall and to applebees where I ran into two of my FAVE lonestar pals, Raven and Loryn. I’m gonna go back and see Raven tomorrow and I’ll probably see Loryn as well. Ah, I miss them. They were a lot of fun to work with, especially when Raven aka Rooftop Playa and I had butter fights haha. I hope I get the job there so we can be reunited. Rooftop Playa and Chillidawg. Reunited. Once again. :).